Sussex columnist: How parenting is constantly taking me by surprise

With most jobs you’d had for nine years, you’d be pretty well-versed in all aspects of the role and probably be considered something of an old hand.

But I’m not sure parenting works that way, because no matter how long you’ve been doing it, it likes to take you by surprise every once in a while.

I absolutely love babies and feel so fortunate to have been able to have two, but I’d be lying if I said I found those early months easy.

A lack of sleep, confidence and know-how made me feel quite anxious and out-of-my depth, especially the first time around. It was more than made up for by baby snuggles, constantly sniffing their heads (why do babies’ heads smell SO good) and just generally marvelling at how amazing it was to have created tiny humans.

But as the children started to grow up, I felt like I'd found my groove a bit more. Things got a bit easier and I really thought I’d cracked the whole ‘bringing up your offspring’ thing.

And that’s when life gets you, because you shouldn’t get cocky…

There I was, thinking things were peachy with two children in school and some free time to myself. Then, without warning, my son decided he’d make things more interesting.

I’m 100 per cent not suggesting there is anything wrong with my son or his behaviour. He’s just being a four-year-old and testing his boundaries and learning about his emotions. It’s just a curveball I hadn’t expected.

He’s always been such a cute and loving little boy. He loves cuddles and has always been instantly remorseful when he’s done something wrong.

But his ‘new year, new you’ for 2023 seems to be the creation of his alter-ego: Stubborn Shouty Boy. Stubborn Shouty Boy, or SSB for short, appears quicker than the speed of light. One minute, my sweet, good-natured little one is happily playing, and before I even realise what’s happening, SSB has replaced him. And there’s no reasoning with that guy!

SSB doesn’t seem to show up for any good reason. Last week, he popped up when I brought an orange to school pick-up instead of an apple, resulting in me chasing my son around the playground as he ran off, wailing at the injustice of his mum’s fruit selection. The ridiculousness of it could have been illustrated by having the Yakety Sax music playing in the background.

Then there was the day my son and daughter had prepared a talent show for me and my parents to watch. The ‘performance’ was about to start. My daughter innocently suggested my son take his place by standing on a cushion, and SSB roared out of hibernation.

Before my brain could compute what was happening, my son was screaming under the kitchen table and refusing to move. There was no rhyme or reason for it, but maybe SSB just has a very specific artistic vision.

The worst one of all, however, was in a party shop. We’d gone there to get a badge and some balloons ahead of my daughter’s birthday. But SSB got wind of it and let’s just say he wasn’t happy…

My son clutched a birthday badge with all his might, and cried and cried and cried for me to buy it. Despite promises he would get birthday paraphernalia when it was, actually, his birthday, he point-blank refused to put it back. It was a stand off.

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Every part of me longed to give in. Take the easy route. Buy the badge, and expedite the process of getting him home, to where I knew I had a delicious bottle of rhubarb gin waiting in the cupboard for me (much, much needed at this point).

But, as all parents know, even when you really, really want to, if you’ve made a stand, you can’t back down.

Through a lengthy combination of threats and bribery, Mummy was eventually victorious. But we all bore the war wounds. SSB had exhausted us with his unexpected tantrum and unreasonable demands.

I won’t say I think SSB’s gone, because that would just be reckless, but maybe he’s taking a break after his last hurrah in the shop as we haven’t seen him since. We recovered at home by having some snuggles. Oh, and I can confirm the rhubarb gin was excellent!